Fireworks in “Our Town” Monday, Jul 4 2011 


What did YOU wake up to today? I woke up at 5:45 to the sound of my daughter rummaging through the bathroom. I almost – ALMOST – got out of bed, but the sound of gagging would be required to make my feet hit the floor. Then I remembered! She told me last night she was setting her alarm on her little DS so that she could wake up before Brother and me to SURPRISE us. Maybe that little thing has some value to it after all. (The DS, not the kid. She has immeasurable value.) I’m a totally freakin’ responsible parent so I made sure to set parameters for the surprise: Do NOT scare Brother from his slumber, NO oven/stove & NOTHING electrical. The fire brigade works around the clock, but I did NOT need them to be called for our own set of fireworks here at the castle where I’m celebrating my own newfound independence. “Gotcha,” she said.

So I waited and dozed until Brother slid into bed and snuggled up with me. Shortly before 7am, she entered fully dressed and announced that the surprise was starting. She was ready for us and had in fact changed and slept in her clothes after I tucked her in so that she wouldn’t have to waste any time in the morning with such trivial necessities. I opened my eyes and said, “Good Morning, Lovebug!” to her and her hat. The chipper little doll was wearing a headband with a sign cleverly attached that said, “Happy 4th of July.” Let the fireworks begin. Brother and I walked down the hall and entered the “Fashion Cafe” from dinner 2 nights ago which had now been transformed into some sort of street carnival. Brother’s sleepy eyes lit up and just about exploded when he was told there were PRIZES at stake for the early morning games to come. Whatever. I’ll let you win Dude and maybe they’ll keep you occupied until I’ve had my coffee.

First game: Trivia. A little book was filled with page after page after page of questions so it appeared my sanity was in Jeopardy. She’s so stinkin’ cute though that Brother and I followed the rules and answered the questions.

What are the colors on the American Flag?

What is our official bird?

What is the name of our National Anthem?

What dance does Mickey do on the Disney Movie? And Donald??

The million dollar question was, “What do you call a pig with lipstick?” Answer: An ugly pig.

Please don't send me to jail. I just copied it from Google

And PLEASE don't send the Secret Service after me! Someone much more evil than me made this picture and I found it when I googled Obama Lipstick. I don't want to go to jail. My kids need their mother.

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Mayhem and Me Sunday, Jul 3 2011 


You know that guy from the Allstate commercials, Mayhem? Well I’m friends with him on Facebook. He’s with me in all my states of waking consciousness in life. I think one the best decisions I’ve made was finally accepting him as a friend and quit running away from him. He’ll chase you through the house, embarrass you in the carpool line and make your kids throw their chicken strips across The Olive Garden resulting in total mortification when the THUD hits the floor in front of the Cleavers at the next booth leaving you with the stabbing pains of guilt and humiliation. Just when I think I’m about to lose my ever-loving mind – which by the way I must say often enough that my boy has taken to repeating my tag line verbatim to Mario every time he crashes – Mayhem comes in and says something funny to break the tension.

Here’s the deal. Mayhem will let you embrace him. He just wants to be recognized. I pretended for a long time like he wasn’t there standing next to me pulling at my strings like a puppet master that caused me to look like some comedic poltergeist had taken over my body and those of my family for far too long. We hid him away like a crazy Aunt Edna that we kept in the closet so that we could all look perfect and proper. Well, guess what. Not anymore! Dude is coming along with me EVERYWHERE because he’s funny. He’s WAY funnier than his cousin Despair. I’ve made the mistake of actually INVITING that guy in and I’ll never do it again. It was my own fault really because I was the one the let that guy into our castle. The husband and the kids and even the dog had to pick up his mess. That’s the guy that you do NOT want around. He’s the one who makes you cry and sleep and cry again until you fall asleep. He’ll plop his tush on the couch and settle in with a bag of Cheetos and then have the nerve to ask you to bring him a beer and wipe his orange fingers on your lovely upholstery and there won’t be anything funny about it. (more…)

My Daily’s Post Saturday, Jul 2 2011 


I just signed up for this challenge where I’ve committed to posting DAILY for the rest of the year. Sometimes I feel inspired and sometimes I don’t. You’d think that after witnessing the guy in the trailer park behind me ride his LAWNMOWER to his buddy’s pad that I’d have something to say. Not really. All that did was make me want to go to The WalMarts when he didn’t return thinking maybe the guy had rambled on over there. For SURE a trip to Wally World was gonna set something off in my brain then, right? It’s an aspiring writer’s PLAYGROUND with characters waddling about doing things the rest of us could never DREAM of doing and saying things the rest of us can’t even comprehend. Literally! Nah. There was nothing for me to ramble about. It wasn’t until I returned home with my Great Values and opened my freezer that it hit me. There it was! My Daily’s Inspiration!

Look, at this stage in my life I know a lot of women who keep little frozen bags of breast milk in their freezers. Not me! Nope. No more bottles for this baby unless they have wine in them. When I run out of things to say, I may rip the top off of one of these babies and see what flows from my brain as the sweet frozen goodness flows from its pouch. Since it’s summer and all, maybe these little pouches should be consumed Daily, you know, just to keep my own creative juices running and maintain my sanity. I think that’s what the name implies. Maybe they are like those anxiety medicines that actually need to build up in your system to maintain maximum effectiveness and proper dosage is required. They are only like a buck too. Not a buck FOR TWO, but The WalMarts is known for rolling back prices though so keep a look out. How ’bout that. A dollar a day could keep the writer’s block away.

My friend says they look like Caprisuns for adults and she’s TOTALLY right!! The kids can have their lemonade pouches while you enjoy your own. You can even enjoy them straight from the bag without looking trashy because it says so right on the back of the pouch. These don’t come with straws though because they’d probably have to charge an extra nickel at The WalMarts for that kind of luxury. I think I may have an old Burger King cup in my car though and be all GREEN, ya know. I mean, not like green MOLD or anything cause I’d be sure and wash it and all. I mean green like recycling because I’ll get extra uses from the BK sucker. I bet I could think of lots of OTHER uses for this little bag too: (more…)

Our Town Friday, Jul 1 2011 


I woke up this morning to my very own custom-made publication. No, I have not been published YET, but it seems that my daughter has taken an interest in writing as well. In her version of the local crime blotter, the cub has taken to reporting the words and actions of her brother. I’m thinking this is NOT going to win her a Pulitzer, however a Pull-At-Her (hair) may be in store once little brother can read. The headline read, “Vampire In Town” so I’m not sure if this implied that he bit her or what, but she had been sure to clearly depict the villain in his superhero pajamas. There was a Style section, Sports section, and even an Entertainment section with movies and show times gathered from my little iPhone app. We seem to have created our own little city of sorts and every city needs a Town Crier. We have two, quite possibly three if I finally break by the end of Summer.

What got me going on this was my discovery a couple of days ago. A fight of sorts had broken out in the street, or hall, or whatever you want to call it. Sister was screaming that Brother had locked himself in his room with all of the checkers, and she could hear them clinking together as he counted his stash. That’s what I said – CHECKERS. This should NOT be cause for alarm on a normal day because she is usually TRYING to get him to stay out of her room and in his own. So WHAT was the problem? As best I could tell through the tears and high-pitched siren-like cries, Brother had stolen all of the “checkers” from the Connect Four game and was hoarding them in his room. She then explained to me that this meant she could no longer Do anything, BUY anything, or have FUN of any kind until she recovered her rightful portion of the loot. Slowly I began to understand. It seemed these two had reverted back to caveman days in more ways than one and devised a bartering system for goods and services here in Our Town. How civilized! Unexpected? Yes. Brilliant? Right on! I was so proud! This discovery meant there was hope for law and order in the Wild West after all. When one child wanted to borrow something from another, a price was set. If that price was mutually agreeable, then a deal was sealed, you checked out at the registers where checkers were exchanged and everyone was happy without calling in The Law, ME. “Now I get it! THAT’s what the little price tags posted in the bedrooms meant,” I thought. It was further explained to me that “reds” were worth $100 and “yellows” were a mere $1, and Sister had slowly accumulated ALL of the checkers. This was where I was going to have to mosey in and reclaim my town however.

I interrogated Brother for a few minutes after dismissing the complainant and found he had an understandable reason for stealing the checkers. The poor kid was literally poor. He had spent all of his checkers purchasing goodies from The Sister Store and had priced his own items in Brother’s Market unreasonably high. There was actually little demand for his supply of goods as the only thing he had become willing to sell or part with was broken pieces of toys and pictures of himself. It had become a buyer’s market and Sis wasn’t buying his wares. He also wasn’t willing to sell any of his alloted time on the Wii as he was in desperate pursuit of some special badge or title or trophy or something in his rat race with Mario. I had to feel sorry for the kid, but I couldn’t let The Village People run amuck. The was not the Y-M-C-A and boarders had to obey the law of the land. Once the situation had been explained to Sister, she took pity on the defendant and allowed him into her saloon with no hard time served. (Actually it’s really more of a Salon since she doesn’t serve the hard stuff – only Koolaid- and  Barbie Doll heads and nail polish are scattered about.) (more…)

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