I didn’t sleep much last night. It’s my own fault though I guess. Actually, it may be my mom’s fault! See, there’s a storm brewing out in the Gulf of Mexico. When this happens, I can always hear my mom’s voice inside my head telling me EXACTLY what I should be doing to prepare. It’s gotten to where I no longer need her present to hear the nagging. There’s anxiety coursing ALL through my veins thanks to my maternal side, and when the weather vanes outside start spinning when the wind kicks up, EVERYTHING kicks up a notch. While pondering whether or not to race out and stock up on Spaghetti O’s and boxed wine for the inclement weather and possible power outage, I realized all of the things that I am used to having back at the house but do NOT have here at the apartment. THAT’S when I remembered the fire escape ladder that my mom purchased for us when we moved into the big two-story house, and I retrieved it when I picked up the kids last night from Dinner with Dad. The shitstorm that came from that was one for the record books. Hmmmm, hurricane preparations with Mom, or Fire Safety Lesson with the kids… I guess I’ll take the latter.
Mom, why do we need a ladder?
It’s just in case there were ever an emergency where we would need to climb out of the window.
The WINDOW?!?! What kind of emergency?
(This is when I remembered that fire phobia he “outgrew.”) Um, you know, just in case the doors didn’t work and we needed to get to our car.
You mean a FIRE don’t you! The box has a picture of a family with their house on fire.
Well, technically that could happen, but it can really be used for any type of emergency and it’s best to have emergency supplies on hand like how we keep candles and flashlights ready for hurricane season.
Why do you think we are going to have a fire?
Then why did you buy it?
I didn’t. Mimi bought it.
Why does she think we are going to have a fire?
She doesn’t. I mean, she KNOWS that we are NOT, but she always worries about everything anyway so she felt better buying this for us back at the house.
Then why did we bring it to the apartment?
Because we live HERE now and so I thought we’d keep it here.
But Daddy’s back at the house and now he doesn’t have anything to escape with. (eyeing me suspiciously like I’m an evil arsonist)
Daddy is like a Boy Scout and he has everything he needs there. He’s totally fine, I PROMISE.
So we’re going to attach it to the window?
No. It stays in its box unless we ever have to use it. I’m going to put it in Sissy’s closet because it’s right next to her window and that window sticks out the farthest. (Smile) So you don’t even have to look at it.
WHAT?!?!?! You are keeping it in HER room?! Why does she get to be saved???!!!
STOP. Nothing’s going to happen, but if there WERE some kind of emergency then we all go to her window and climb out. Period.
Her foot is probably going to get in my way and make me fall down the ladder and get a bodycast again!!!
(Long story short version: Yes, he DID have to wear a body cast for a couple of months when he was 2, but EXACTLY how he tumbled down the stairs isn’t TOTALLY clear. Everybody knows he tripped over Sissy’s foot, but there is no proof it was intentional and doesn’t matter anyway because she was SO WAY SORRY and TOTALLY freaked out that he broke a bone. Won’t EVER happen again. EVER. We’re paranoid people now and in a way like never before. There! Full disclosure.)
You’re not going to fall and you won’t get a body cast because we have a LADDER! (Sigh) Just follow her down and we’ll walk to the parking lot or something.
WHAT!?@!!? SHE gets to go FIRST??? That’s not FAIR!
Fine. If you want to go first, then you can go first. We’ll have our plan now like when you practice fire drills at school.
So you want to climb out now?
NOOOO!!! (God the neighbors would REALLY think we’re weird then. And I’m not going to the hospital with a broken bone on any of us from a PRACTICE RUN. Real deal only.)
Well, who’s going next you or Sissy?
Well, Sissy I guess. That is if ANY of us were able to quit fighting over what’s fair and what’s not fair. That’s why it’s best to decide now otherwise I’m thinking Daddy is the lucky one here. He just has to jump. I would have to convince two screaming kids that my escape route was FAIR before anyone even slung a leg of the ledge!
Well then we’d all die if nobody went, huh.
Nobody’s going to DIE! Go take your bath. (I’m going straight to the burning gallows of Hell for even planting this seed in my child’s head. Actually… TOTALLY my mom’s fault here again. SHE bought the ladder and SHE’S the one that threw that neurotic gene down my tree but never claims it and doesn’t know how any of us can be such ANXIOUS people. She’s like the cute little kitten that gets stuck in the tree and then claims to have been able to climb down herself if mass hysteria were to break out and the fire brigade sent to rescue her… after all she’d be the only cat on the block with her own LADDER!!)
10 Minutes Later… (Scene: Bathtub)
Is it fireproof, Mom?
The ladder. because I’m not going to go down it first if it’s just going to catch fire or something.
The ladder is METAL, and we will never have to use it because there will NEVER be a fire.
So concrete catches fire easily then?
The stairs. They must be going to catch fire even though they’re made of concrete otherwise we wouldn’t need the ladder and have to go out Sissy’s window.
Seriously. Just forget about the ladder. if there were an emergency, that’s the only time you’d even remember it.
Wait. I’m not gonna jump so we’re all just gonna be hanging there til the firemen come or something because that’s too far and I’ll get hurt, right?
No, sweet boy. The ladder reaches all the way to the ground because it says so on the box. (We both SMILE at each other. Case closed!)
What if, when I get off the ladder, I step in fire ants though??? Heh Heh!! Get it, Mom?? FIRE ants!!! I made a joke!!
HAHAHA!!! Funny boy! I’m so proud of you. You must get that from me!
But what about my stuffed animals??? I love them! We’ll have to carry all of them out with us.
Nah. The firemen would spray the whole place with water from their big hoses and that would keep stuff from burning.
Then they’d get wet and ruined.
Fine. We’ll see.
I KNOW!!! We’ll keep some backpacks by the ladder to carry all our stuff out! I’ll be the one who says, ‘EVERYONE GRAB AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!!!’
No. That’s someone else’s job. Get out of the tub.
Will the firemen say, ‘All clear!’ and then send us back for our stuff?
I’m going to show all my friends any time I have a sleep over so they know we can climb out the window if we need to, OK?
Um… Fine. (AWESOME! Mamas are going to think I’m nuts. And if I ever catch him using it when he’s a teenager to sneak out and get a 6 pack or something, he might as well be in a bodycast because he won’t be going anywhere for a long time. Sigh.)
I’ve got the jibbers.
Don’t have the jibbers… whatever those are. It’s fine. Everyone will be safe and everyone has a job for anything unexpected so we’re TOTALLY good. Now get out of the tub. (HOORAY!! He SMILED which means he’s good and I must be good at calming his nerves then. Yay!)
I’m going to have nightmares. Can I sleep with you?
HAHAHA!!!! SISSY!!!! I get to sleep with mom and you don’t!
(Sissy runs into the bathroom and starts off with, Moooooom!!! That’s not FAIR!!!!)
Dry off. Brush your teeth. Everyone get in my bed. Go to sleep.
I’ve been eating lots of fiber, SEE! I’m growing THESE!! (Points at his nipples and smiles proudly in the mirror)
Uh… I’m glad you’re eating fiber. Good. That means this conversation is over.
Where does this kid get this from?? ‘MY MOM!!! It’s HER fault,’ I say to myself as I remember to go take my anxiety pill. As I gulp the water and feel the pill sliding down my throat, I get one of those movie-like flashback scenes where I suddenly have Deja’ Vu and realize I just took this pill while standing in this exact spot just a couple of hours ago. Am I going to overdose? Should I try and throw it up?? I throw up my hands instead and settle down to read a book. I mean, I HAVE to be awake now, right? I probably have to stay awake to make sure I don’t start getting woozy or drowsy from the double dosage… but it’s BEDTIME?!?! How will I know if it’s the medicine or just being tired??? BING! I have a margarita in the freezer that would TOTALLY calm me down, but now I’m too scared to drink it because of what it may do to me after taking two idiot pills!!! UUGH!! I think I have a stomach ache now. Finally I decide with the help of some friends on facebook that the heightened anxiety I’m experiencing will counteract the increased medication thereby cancelling out any harmful side effects and leaving a zero net effect. TA-DA!!! I’m a genius AND I’m still a good mom. The kids are sleeping soundly, and I’ll be right next to them on my 3-inch portion of the bed if they need anything. And if I don’t have what they need or an answer to some crazy question, you know what I’ll do??? I’ll call MOM and let them wake HER up. It’s all her fault anyway, and someday I’ll tell them that so they’ll be sure and blame HER and NOT me or blog about all the weird things I do on the internet or whatever it is that their generation will be doing then. Hell, I probably won’t even know what they’re talking about anyway, and I’ll just sit there oblivious like MOM does with MY blog.